Ahhh... the joys of parenthood. No one ever explained to us the depth of our fun. We have reached the terrible twos with a vengeance. For a child who has been so advanced in so many areas, he certainly took his time with this. The yelling of "no!", being told to "Stop talking, I am talking now!", the demands for candy. Where did that sweet child go? He still pops up from time to time. I got yelled at in the car on the way home, one of those I Am Talking Now Mommy moments. He then yelled at me "I love you so much, I wanted to say it." Somehow, even through the bellows, I think he was telling me the truth.

He is still awake and chatting us up while he is in his room and we are down watching TV. I can't wait for him to be asleep. That's another one of those times where my sweet child is back. Maybe I should go up and see him. I might get a hug out of it, just so he can stay up those few extra seconds.

Well, here I am, pregnant and on bedrest. I could be here for months!! But the important thing is that baby boy is doing well, growing strong, and kicking me most of the time. We have made it to 28 weeks. The specialist thinks that this little boy is coming early. If that's the case, he could be here as early as mid-December, but the due date is end of January. I think that he will arrive whenever he is darn well ready. The good news is that after 28 weeks, the chances of survival are significantly improved. That makes both mommy and daddy feel much better about things. Unfortunately Daddy is having to do everything around the house. I suspect that Mommy will be getting her comeuppance in a few months though. A few months at most...

I have not been here in over a year. Life has been hell in the last year, we lost our little baby and somehow even simple things like taking out the garbage became monumental. Arguements erupted over whether or not we kissed goodbye... AND... drum roll... I HATE MY JOB. That's been a long time coming and never so strongly as now. I am looking for the back door and plan to scuttle like a rat deserting the sinking ship. I can't swim, but at least I am with someone who can. Despite the trash build up and the petty arguements over kissing, we are closer than we have ever been. I know this is a gift and it is a treasured one. The wonderful thing about true love (wuv, twue wuv) is that despite everything else, it grows and grows until you think you will burst, but then you simply expand yourself to accommodate it. Sappy? Maybe. But also true. The pain hits and you think you will die. And then the love hits and you know you can make it just a little farther. Listened to some John Mayer the other day and I have a new theme song. You need to go and find it for yourself. It's on the Continuum CD and when you hear the song, you will know it... a hint? Try track 5. Let me know what you think.

Well, things do change. I have been struggling with the death and life of my youngest brother, Craig. The holidays were very hard. My husband was threatening the buy stock in the Kleenex company after he found me hiding "figuratively" in our room, surrounded by leaking tissues and wet eyes. He wanted to know why I had not been talking to the rest of my family. I didn't want to upset them, of course. Which he pointed out as completely ridiculous. We ALL are going through missing him and meeting the challenge in different ways. And it's a challenge. Except for the last few days. I had 3 dreams about him, 3 nights in a row, after not dreaming about him at all for 9 months. (He died in March and I had actually wondered why I had NOT dreamed about it, I am a pretty prolific dreamer and usually remember them in detail the next morning.) Suddenly, there he was, 3 appearances as a little boy, back when he was sweet and innocent and I could still talk to him. Parts of the dreams were scary, but not him, he was just there, a character in my nocturnal play. My last dream, he spoke to me though. Through the voices of my grandparents, through a radio. Hey, it's MY dream. But he told me that it was all okay. That he was fine, that it was okay for me to be happy, to miss him, to grieve. But to go and live in this world and be happy in it. Suddenly, the whole tone of my grief has changed. It was heavy, and demanding and harsh and dark with questions, and why's and anger. But, now, I feel that it's lighter. I will always miss him, I will cry some more, I will talk to people about it instead of running away. But I also will not be so buried and harsh in it any more. It's OK to feel all of these things. There is no hatred or fear in it any more for things that were and are still out of my control. All because of my grandparents, talking out of the radio. I won't even tell you about the penguin though. That was truly weird!!

It's been over 2 months!! Things change in that amount of time. Change. Enormous change. More than I can see at this point. I had a dream last night about being on a dark lake, chased by a storm. We were in a sail boat and there were sea serpents all around, playing in the water. They were iridescent blue and adults and young were undulating everywhere. At first, I was afraid of them and asked the person working the sails what they were. This man just looked at me and told me that I would find out soon enough. The storm followed us down the lake and into a swift river. The creatures were still there, but seemed to be sucked downstream. We got to the bottom of the river and moved into a calm lake. The sun seemed to be just rising. Then I woke up.

What do you suppose that means?

Well, I have no idea what to say. I want just to list the things that have happened in the last 6 months, not even the last 2 years. We are going through fertility testing and have had yet another miscarriage. My brother died of a rare form leukmeia. His crazy wife did everything she could to destroy our tight family relationship with him and kept us from him. There is so much more to that, that I can't even go into it here. My father was diagnosed with diabetes, then with prostate cancer. He just had surgery and now there is something wrong with his blood. My uncle died suddenly in June. One of my aunts has to have major surgery. My cousin, who is like a brother to me, has a brain tumor. He will have the first of 2 surgeries next week. Katrina has ravaged more in our nation than a coastline. My husband's step-family lived there. They are all right, but have lost everything. And now Rita is threatening another of my brothers and his family. What? WHAT... I know, I believe that he and family will be fine. I said "No more." over a year ago. But the fun just keeps on comin'. My soul cries out. Right now, I feel numb and dumb.

Wild, the winds blow
the night shows it whipping the trees
As if in protest, but truly in reveling.

Wild, untamed, the mountains shout it
with thunder and with falling snow.
Beautiful and dangerous, wonderful and whispering.

Wild and seen in the deeps, the blackest place where
pain and terrible things can bewilder
The light speaks with silence and illuminates.

Wild, it is He, working through His creation,
His people, His universe and microcosm, ignored and misunderstood
He bellows and murmurs low.

Holy and fierce in protection, gentle and peaceful
never abandoning, never counterfeit, always enfolding,
surrounding, guarding - a father.

Holy, it is He, true and without measure, wild and
zealous with love, taking the darkness of
us, and luminescing into the way.