It's been over 2 months!! Things change in that amount of time. Change. Enormous change. More than I can see at this point. I had a dream last night about being on a dark lake, chased by a storm. We were in a sail boat and there were sea serpents all around, playing in the water. They were iridescent blue and adults and young were undulating everywhere. At first, I was afraid of them and asked the person working the sails what they were. This man just looked at me and told me that I would find out soon enough. The storm followed us down the lake and into a swift river. The creatures were still there, but seemed to be sucked downstream. We got to the bottom of the river and moved into a calm lake. The sun seemed to be just rising. Then I woke up.

What do you suppose that means?

Well, I have no idea what to say. I want just to list the things that have happened in the last 6 months, not even the last 2 years. We are going through fertility testing and have had yet another miscarriage. My brother died of a rare form leukmeia. His crazy wife did everything she could to destroy our tight family relationship with him and kept us from him. There is so much more to that, that I can't even go into it here. My father was diagnosed with diabetes, then with prostate cancer. He just had surgery and now there is something wrong with his blood. My uncle died suddenly in June. One of my aunts has to have major surgery. My cousin, who is like a brother to me, has a brain tumor. He will have the first of 2 surgeries next week. Katrina has ravaged more in our nation than a coastline. My husband's step-family lived there. They are all right, but have lost everything. And now Rita is threatening another of my brothers and his family. What? WHAT... I know, I believe that he and family will be fine. I said "No more." over a year ago. But the fun just keeps on comin'. My soul cries out. Right now, I feel numb and dumb.

Wild, the winds blow
the night shows it whipping the trees
As if in protest, but truly in reveling.

Wild, untamed, the mountains shout it
with thunder and with falling snow.
Beautiful and dangerous, wonderful and whispering.

Wild and seen in the deeps, the blackest place where
pain and terrible things can bewilder
The light speaks with silence and illuminates.

Wild, it is He, working through His creation,
His people, His universe and microcosm, ignored and misunderstood
He bellows and murmurs low.

Holy and fierce in protection, gentle and peaceful
never abandoning, never counterfeit, always enfolding,
surrounding, guarding - a father.

Holy, it is He, true and without measure, wild and
zealous with love, taking the darkness of
us, and luminescing into the way.

I was recently back in North Dakota. Yes, I know, we all make fun of that state. Even those who have roots there! But we drove by this slough, an ugly word for a surprisingly pretty place. It was more of a small lake, really. There were strange, misshapen, oblong buoys on the the water. One of them swung around slowly in the light wind and I realized that it was a pelican. Suddenly, I could see dozens of them, dotted across the water, way back to the reeds and cattails on the shore. Goofy, ungainly looking things, floating on the surface. Then, one reached out with angled wings and began to beat, moving across the water, the orangey head and beak with it's wattle of skin hanging down. Within moments, it changed from ungainly to oddly graceful. It flew just above the gray water, wrinkled by the moving air, and below the gray sky. I wondered if the fish were afraid.

Why me?

Rhetorical questions abound. I don't know why me, I just know that much of the last 1 1/2 years defies the most stable among us to question, why me? Maybe the question really should be, why NOT me. After all, no one goes through the journey untouched. How boring. I'm big on quotes and movie lines and books. So much from "reality" can be reduced to a one liner from somewhere. Madeliene L'Engle wrote that scar tissue is the strongest in the body. And someone else wise once said that "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." Well, I'm not dead yet, but there are some days that some of those around me, may not make it through the day! I'm KIDDING. Sort of. No, really.

You may see poetry, ramblings, photos, or primal screams on here. Good luck to you if you can make sense of me!